wondering wonders

is it possible that i can only live through other people's lives? it is exclusively by the act of testifying that i trully believe i'm living... i cannot make me smile, i haven't the ability of smiling on my own. i only smile through others and through their mouths... i smile because they laugh on my account, but... why is that? why have i never felt genuinely happy? i always feel dark on my own, i'm always in my dark place... i need others to light it and enlighten me.. why does it has to be like that? what is this fear that blinds me? that binds me? that drives me? why all this insecurity? why this feeling of weirdness? i can't understand the depth of my lost and delusional mind! why do i believe that this body i possess looks weird and ugly? it doesn't fit, i feel like scratching it until it falls off... i feel alienated in my own domains and that's not normal... everything looks misplaced and strange (it is most certainly true because i felt shivers up the spine and the hair in my arms just went up).. who am i? what am i? i don't understand the world that has been trying to be my own nor it understands me. i've felt embraced but never... never... a part of something. i belong to a place that has never been created. i belong to my own confusion. i belong nowhere.